Steph//Part II

Burns like fire, flows like water.

(This post is the second half of an interview. For the full story, hop on over first to Steph//Part I.)

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We had a close-knit group of friends, lovingly referred to as “the crew,” beginning around 2010. Many of us are still close and in touch with one another today. However, there were some glory years there, where we lived most of our lives together, intimately involved. Steph documented much of these years through the lens of her camera. What motivated her to film these moments together, and what impact do you think it has for those of us today, to have these visual reminders?

Noelle: Steph documented much of her life, so for her to extend that into our friendships and gatherings, it was no different. She wanted to remember those times and documenting them was just a natural reflex.

It wasn’t in the way we see people documenting things nowadays and sharing for the world to see on social media. She documented them for her own sake and to share with those of us in her immediate circle. Which I think in and of itself is really beautiful. People share so much with the world, but there’s something to be said for keeping some memories sacred. She made a lot of photo books and albums, too, for her own keeps, which is rare these days.

I think since her death, I’ve never been more grateful for all of the photos and videos she took to have to look back on. Memories fade, but images give those moments in time breath again and they really hold even more value now. I know I can speak for so many in our tribe who feel just as grateful to have them. We’ve repeatedly poured over certain videos she did and/or her Instagram feed just to keep those moments close to our hearts and beating, still. 

You witnessed Steph in the major roles of her life; as a daughter and sister, wife and mother, and clearly as a friend. Which of these roles did you enjoy most, seeing Steph fill?

Noelle: Gosh, tough one, she was special and admired by all. But I think the one I was up close and personal to the most was her role as a mother. There was this other side that came out of her, a tenderness and playfulness, I guess? Not that she was not these things otherwise, but motherhood brought out a different version of it. A “letting of the guard” down, so to speak.

She had so much gratitude and adoration for her daughter. From the moment Eliza was born, Steph wanted her to be who she was. Steph was a free spirit and from a young age, so was her daughter. Steph recognized this early on with Eliza and really encouraged that. She was honest about the difficulties of motherhood but at the same time, her love for her daughter really shaped her in a way that maybe Steph didn’t even expect. Her relationship with Eliza was something I will never forget and always keep close to my heart.

Steph’s death was a sudden, earth-tilting shock. The expectation was for a lifetime together, not to lose her in her healthy, mid-30’s. However, Steph exemplified what it means to live a life of passion and intention. What are a few of the defining characteristics of her legacy, the inheritance she left behind?

Noelle: Some days I still struggle to believe it’s real, as do many of us. I never would have dreamed she would depart this earth so soon. I think it’s difficult to speak for the majority on this because she truly was something different to each of us.

So I guess I will pivot and say things I have learned in her passing that I think she would agree with. As humans we have this idea that we’ll live a long life but the reality for some is, that may not be the case. It could change for any of us, in an instant. Life is meant to be lived, we have no guarantees of tomorrow or even later today. We need to live well, love ourselves and others well.

Circumstances do not define us, and it’s not these huge moments that make life worth living, but rather the tiny ones we can choose to enjoy everyday. A peek at the full moon, a warm breeze on spring’s first balmy day, giggling with loved ones until the tears pour out. Steph lived her life unapologetically with intention and authenticity.

So I guess I can answer this question, and that would be that Steph’s lasting legacy and inheritance, the one we should all carry with us and be reminded to do the same - live with intention and authenticity. 

How did Steph turn darkness into Light? Interpret this any way you wish.

Noelle: As I said above, Steph was always looking for light. Whether it was literal light when taking a photo, or an emotional space involving a dark season in her life, she was always seeking the light. She would balance the darkness by digging her heels into the sunny side.

She was really big on positive thinking - not letting the difficult times or the darkness swallow her, but allowing positive thinking and her faith to ground her, a counterbalance to the darkness that eventually, would win. 

And lastly, what do you miss most about Steph, and what gift did she give you to carry through the rest of your lifetime?

Noelle: I miss every single thing about her, not quite sure how to put one thing at the top of the list? It changes day to day. I guess all of the things I miss about her encompass our sisterhood, so that’s what I miss the most. And, I’d say, the gift she gave me that I will carry with me for all my earthly days would be experiencing what true sisterhood is.

But even beyond that or maybe also a part of that…her daughter is a gift to me. I’ll spare the details of my own story and not becoming a mother myself, but I was there the day Eliza was born, and I know now that was not by coincidence. Her daughter is a gift to me and I love and adore her and feel protective of her as if she was my own. She is part her mother and part her father and she is her own being. A shiny, special light in my life that I am so grateful for. What a gift.  

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I want to say another thank-you to Noelle for digging deep in order to answer my questions. I have a hundred more that I could ask, but we understand that some things are for us to know, and some things are not. The sacred things. The things told in whispers behind hands, only for the two and no more. This is the beauty of friendship. of relationship. It is a thing to be both shared and to be held in private reverence.

And it is a growing thing, organic, living beyond any of the death or darkness that exists in the world. Only our bodies experience ends; the length and breadth of the soul is eternal. Hallelujah!

In conclusion, Steph gave me a gift, too. She was present just after the arrival of my youngest, River, and took video in the hours just after his birth in our home. Steph could pair the perfect imagery, song, and words together, and she did just that for me. The quote she left me with, at the end of the video, when all had been seen and finally faded to black, is one I remember often. When I looked up the context of the quote, I was struck by the potency with which the whole passage fits Steph’s own life.

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For you, Steph. We love and miss you.

“I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for

may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,

streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.”

\Rainer Maria Rilke\